


sickeningly

by deokjun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Moving On, Sad Ending, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, background johnil, lapselock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 05:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17016219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deokjun/pseuds/deokjun
Summary: yuta counts how many time he had hopelessly fallen for sicheng.or,yuta was in love, sicheng was (not).





	sickeningly

**Author's Note:**

> i had how deep is your love, summertime sadness, and unconditionally on loop, so. i wrote this for three days straight and i'm barely sober...,, hope you all like it though!

**i.  
**yuta was in love when his eyes and sicheng’s first meet. 

it was around eleven in the evening; ten’s party, loud music, psychedelic lights. yuta came with his close friend johnny who immediately disappeared the second they entered ten’s house, he didn’t plan to get wasted so yuta only got himself a couple of drinks. not strong enough to make him drunk, but not weak enough to keep him a hundred percent sober either. 

the room was tight. full of people sucking each others’ face and handsy arms trying to sneak in the dark. he slipped out through the silly makeouts to the pool. it was colder there, still some pairs visible—nevertheless not too intimate for him to see, yuta wasn’t the type to get off from watching other people have sex. let alone the public one. although it still irritated him, he could turn a blind eye better on this one.

—and the ‘this one’ didn’t seem to cover much things. as his gaze landed on a lanky brunet when he was about to take a sip. said boy was leaning on a bench, curious eyes hollowly casted on the pool. yuta saw the drink on his grip and grinned foolishly when he realized what it was. _fruit punch_. in a middle of a chaotic, alcohol-induced party; this particular boy had the audacity to drink a glass of fruit punch. 

yuta thought it would be stupid. to fall in love in parties, especially with guys who drink stupid beverages. 

he must be understimating his sober state when every single of his muscles did otherwise. he didn’t have time to think about how _stupid_ it was when his stupid feet decided to walk on his own to the said boy. his stupid head must be playing tricks on him when the thought of how adorable this stupid boy was paced through his mind.

even when yuta said hi and sat on the bench, the boy only stared at him with unreadable twinkling gaze without saying anything, yuta still cursed at his stupid head. it was really stupid but he decided that love made men go nuts and wild, so he let it slide. he chatted all night about silly things like johnny’s bad coffee, the cacti he tried to grow, his morning classes, et cetera. he felt like talking alone but he liked it.

he didn’t even get his name. not even an answer. and yuta was in love.

.

 **ii.  
**yuta was in love when he learned sicheng’s name and doyoung warned him about it.

said boy got cuts and bruises and rough edges, no place for smiles and sunshines. doyoung shortly revealed his so-called _track records_ which yuta had no idea where he got it from, listing all the problems sicheng got into. most of them involved around sicheng and his exes, little percentage showed him squaring up with buff men, the rest told yuta about sicheng basically being a douchebag who loved to lie and sweet talk everyone to gain his own benefit.

but doyoung curiously said sicheng was on the other side positively known still. how he aced his classes and had no issues with his grades despite all the trouble he jumped in. teachers seemed to be blind about this (which was very unfair, to be honest) and let him pass the test without any difficulties. that started to blow baseless rumors about him being the teachers’ favourite boytoy and how he sold himself in order to gain perfect marks despite his stained history. there was a saying about him going around red light districts and mucky streets to get money off rich old men.

he charmed everyone with his sparkly doe eyes and sweet talks with this essentially sweet mouth. he squeezed the benefits from those people begging on his feet, throwing them away when they are no longer needed.

it was nasty and doyoung warned him thoroughly. but yuta couldn’t hear a thing as his ears went deaf when his eyes captured the same lanky figure stepped in the cafeteria. it wasn’t only him whose attention was snatched by a certain boy of such title, the clatter around the room subdued gradually. sicheng’s face was practically as straight as his glance towards the counter. he almost seemed like he didn’t notice the awkward silence in the room. he walked like a god on his red carpet amongst the puny mortal and—oh, oh, was yuta so lovestruck.

the warning by doyoung was left in the yesterdays as yuta paid for sicheng’s lunch the days after and after. first it was secretly, then he balled up his courage and blatanly told sicheng to sit with him in lunch when he found out sicheng usually sat by himself. the dreadful judging stares he received went forgotten when sicheng smiled just slightly and walked past his seat. doyoung choked on his drink when taeyong who saw it told him. yuta received a year-long discourse from doyoung later that night, yet nothing came to his ear. his head was already full of something and he couldn’t add anymore.

it took him almost three months to convince sicheng to sit with him on lunch. when he finally did, yuta agreed that the salad he loved had gone tasteless the moment sicheng sat in front of him. he didn’t say anything yet that’s enough for yuta to receive oblivious loud whispers in the hallway later. but he didn’t think much, his head was full of love that it became dizzy. 

sicheng didn’t even say anything to him. the whole time they had lunch together, it was only yuta blabbering about things and commenting about their choice of foods. the other party kept quite just like their meeting at ten’s party.

however this time, sicheng smiled. barely a stretch of lips, but he smiled. and yuta was in love.

.

 **iii.  
**yuta was in love when he watched sicheng read. 

the library wasn’t the place for sporty kids who hated to read. such as yuta nakamoto who would prefer running four or five laps on the field before matching against his opposing team. everyone knew the young japanese was so much better in kicking soccer balls than reciting the sections of said library. he had a team to lead and championships to win.

but on rare occasions, really, when you squint on the school library’s messy visitor list, on some point you’d see the name _yuta nakamoto_ scribbled in almost unintelligible handwriting. no other library lists had his name on it. he never borrows, only coming to read on the spot and maybe chatting casually with his friend doyoung who happened to have shift on the library every tuesdays and thursdays. or kun whose shifts are on monday and wednesdays.

but did he read? no, of course. you see, yuta disliked reading and he had found more interesting subject to inspect rather than some hard biology handbooks.

the third table from the second block of reading corner was always booked for a certain brunet who would bring thick books and blue sticky notes with him. he would always come sharp before lunchtime on mondays and thursdays. after lunchtime when it’s the other days. the mien always exhibited a flat countenance with curved down eyebrows and slightly frowning corner of lips (that didn’t make it _flat_ but let it off). sometimes even, he’d fall asleep on his book just for a few minutes before waking up startled, then immediately went back to his reading. 

when he found something on his book, the furrow would deepen. maybe it’s a hard word or he needed more time to process what was the chunk of paragraph talking about. his hair would stick out after some times, as he would scratch his scalp when his countenance turned more troubled. lower lip jutted out, glasses slipping off from his high nose multiple time.

yuta took note of what books he usually read. he favored a certain history book, read geography essays multiple time, and always brought a thick english dictionary with him. none of them was what yuta good at, so he couldn’t really be the romantic secret boyfriend who would patch short notes on their lover’s books to help them study. yuta wasn’t the top of his class, he couldn’t risk sicheng failing his grades if he ever pasted his absurd notes on his reference books.

but yuta still bought a pack of orange sticky notes. he had memorized the titles and would get the book when sicheng returned it on the shelves. it was one of his little habits to not borrow all of the books he read, yuta noticed. he only borrowed the english dictionary and always put the other books back.

so he still pasted his illegible, messy handwriting on sticky notes and stuck it on the first pages of the books sicheng always gets. short notes of encouragement like _good luck!_ or _today_ _’s gonna be great!_ or _you_ _’re doing good!_ and their variations were the things that kept yuta busy at nights instead of his upcoming algebra tests. he would try to return it just as how sicheng would, so he would never really distinguish the difference.

yuta would later peek from the sixth or fifth table to see if sicheng got the note. and he did. his stressful mien would slowly light up, cheeks full because of the blooming smile. sicheng peeled the sticky notes off the page and turned around to see who sent this. by that time, yuta would quickly pretend to be absorbed in the nonsense of books in front of him. the sound of flipped pages from the other blocks can be heard. 

and sicheng would go back to studying. tomorrow morning, yuta would paste the similar notes again. and the day after that, and the day after.

sicheng might knew he sent this, might be not. but his change of expression was priceless. and yuta was in love. 

.

 **iv.  
**yuta was in love when sicheng first talked to him. 

sicheng never talks. not in the hallway, nor the cafeteria, nor in other places. he’s always quiet and yuta’s never seen him converse with other people. he seemingly had no friends to mingle with—head always held so high and stare so straight, nobody would be brave enough to even greet him. so yuta liked to imagine it.

he had imagined sicheng’s voice to be more of a high pitch and soft, considering his dainty demeanor. he often associated sicheng’s captivating mien with the cherry blossoms he played with when he was young: fragile, pretty, and heavenly. so, he thought, sicheng’s voice must sounded like that too. maybe a little whispery too since sicheng was often so quite. yuta thought if he talks, he would sound so small and timid. the thoughts made his stomach churns, imagining the loveliest thing lithe sicheng can say in his soothing voice.

yet he was proven wrong when out of sudden, sicheng cut his chatter on a lunch with a deep, thick, “yuta.” and yuta was left jaw dropped. the picture of sicheng talking in his soft small voice was shattered to pieces right there. how sicheng’s real voice sounded was the complete opposite of how he thought it would be. his deep voice contradicted with his little smile and full cheeks, yuta’s eyes widened when he recognized a spark of amusement in sicheng’s eyes.

then he giggled. he _fucking_ giggled. in his weirdly attractive deep voice that didn’t feel right to his visage. in the way yuta would strangely think it’s _cute_. he had his white teeth on display and eyes turning into crescents, head slightly crowning down in reflex. he looked so, so, _so_ lovely that yuta felt like his chest almost bursted from the intense feeling he’s experiencing. his heart hammered, the nonexistent voice vibrating through his head.

yuta has heard his name pronounced in many different ways. by his friends in the middle of their jokes, by his mother in her naggings, by the forgotten one night stands with their moans, by his father when he was angry, and others. what he didn’t expect was he’d like this more than anything—school’s number one hated person (yet somehow still had people on his feet) calling his name in such a flat way with his deep ass voice and countering adorable face. nothing could ever compare, yuta felt his toes curl inside his socks, holding his breath with a super late realization.

sicheng didn’t say anything more after that, prompting yuta who had lost every single ability to talk to just continue his neglected train of speech. lucky yuta for being very adaptive to said situation, he’s called the best listener _and_ talker around not for nothing. he quickly picked up anything that he found scattered on his head, not minding how messy it would sound as he could no longer concentrate. 

or so he thought. when yuta almost got up to return his platter and catch his next class, sicheng reached his wrist. he was sporting another smile—wider than any of sicheng’s smile yuta had seen before—with eyes sparkling stars, yuta missed a beat. he whispered a softer, “thank you.” in his signature deep voice. they shared a look (and everyone might be just staring at them accusingly by now; cursing at sicheng and pitying yuta), then yuta nodded with a similar curve on his lips. he spent the rest of his economy class doodling sicheng and his gleaming eyes.

yuta thought sicheng sounded ridiculously charming with his deep voice. so far from what he had imagined and preferred in the past—but it matched him. and yuta was in love. 

.

 **v.**  
yuta was in love when he walked sicheng home.

when yuta learnt his house was the direct opposite way from sicheng’s and wanting to walk him home might be seen as only a burden, that’s what yuta exactly did.

it was unintentional at first. everyone knew how secretive sicheng was and no one even had the idea where sicheng lived. he was always either coming home later than everyone else or as early as the bell rang. he always walked in different paths each day which suspected even more awful rumors about him doing the dirty jobs right after school, so no one bothered to ask.

but yuta wasn’t everyone nor no one.

he had just finished his latest soccer practice when he saw sicheng strolling casually from the school ground. the scent of fresh shampoo still hugging his damp hair after a quick post-practice shower. yuta had planned to grab something his favourite street snack on his way home to shut his growling tummy, then just dash straight to his room to continue the video game he left last night.

his mind quickly changed paths, however, the street snacks and favourite video games turned uninteresting as sicheng’s slender physique greeted his sight. the boy was still clad in his neatly worn uniform, the shirt still tucked inside his slacks. he held some thick books close to his chest. yuta noticed his reading glasses still hanging on his high nose—means, he probably just got finished from his daily reading session. sicheng’s face was highlighted with the soft yellowish sunray and his eyes reflected the shine, gazing at the street in a melancholic way.

yuta was awestruck and he probably lost his sanity already when he turned his bicycle around to approach said boy. he greeted him with probably the most sudden _hi_ ever that sicheng flinched a bit (yuta felt more sorry than he thought he would be), even though the brunet quickly set up his tiny smile. sicheng did answer he was going home when yuta asked, and nodded—albeit hesitantly—when yuta offered himself to escort him.

so yuta hopped off his bicycle and walked by the side of sicheng’s. he remembered every turns they take, insisting to himself it was so he could get back without getting lost—although part of his stupidly in love head patted his neck ghostly and admitted it was for him to get back _to sicheng_. sicheng barely said anything when they took the steps, not minding the scenery that fascinated yuta’s eyes. the greens bushes and trees and traditional styled houses.

they stopped for a while when there was a stray cat. sicheng scrouched down to pat and run his hand onto the fluffy fur, the purring was so loud that it reached the standing yuta. his chest clenched with so much adoration when his ears listened to sicheng’s little coos and praises to the small cat; it was as if the world stopped, like yuta was a true spectactor out of this world and he’s looking at sicheng fondly. the image he wanted to carve for the rest of his life and not even a second would he forget.

the question followed soon after: how could everyone plaster such nasty accusations on sicheng when he’s nothing but a boy soft at heart? where would the rough edges, filthy bruises, and obscene whispers go if the accused bearer only smiled like a sunshine would? what harsh fingers were they talking about when yuta was seeing said fingers to stroke something so gently with? people were blinded because they were jealous.

sicheng stopped on a crossroad in the neighborhood, saying things like his house is near and it’s getting dark—his lovely mother would insist yuta on dropping by and he knew yuta had loads of works to do (nonsenses) so he didn’t want to interfere. yuta was zipped at the mouth and he did nothing but reluctantly agree. sicheng bid him a good night and not moving an inch until yuta turned around, cycling his ride away before the dusk could chase him.

in the end, he didn’t even know which was sicheng’s house. he didn’t ask the next day because sicheng wasn’t anywhere, and he couldn’t ask anyone else either. so yuta just kept quiet. he never got sicheng’s address at all even after years later.

that was the first and last time yuta would walked sicheng home. he saw a lot of things he didn’t expect. and yuta was in love.

.

 **vi.**  
yuta was in love when he drunkenly intertwined his fingers with sicheng’s.

another party and multicolored lights. this time the party was hosted by and at lucas’ house. yuta came with johnny who brought along his boyfriend taeil, ultimately becoming the third wheeler of a lovey dovey couple. he found it weird, though, because he only saw taeil on libraries (where he would spend time ogling at a studying sicheng) and had no idea on how did johnny managed to convince him to come. surely things behind the closed doors yuta wouldn’t want to know were involved, so let’s not talk about that.

yuta saw some of his favourite mix on the table, so he thought _why not_. exams were done and he certainly needed a way to release the stress. all those stupid calculations and balances drove him insane, a sip or two might save him from being admitted to a psych ward. johnny and taeil was nowhere to be seen, yuta shrugged when he got himself a cup of drink. 

the party was slightly calmer than ten’s. the rooms didn’t essentially smell like sex and yuta actually could leisurely chat with some of the acquaintances he recognized. maybe it was because his head was barely sober that he didn’t even mind the making out noises that came from his sides; he listened and laughed at the antics taeyong told him. ten at his side was also cackling so loud that the music died behind his ears.

thought he was nowhere to be clearheaded, yuta was once again proven wrong when he saw a very familiar frame leaning outside the room. everything stopped becoming interesting and he felt his world slow down when the boy slightly tilted his head. the room suddenly became hot, so yuta excused himself for some fresh air. ten and taeyong shared a look, but smiled nicely and let yuta slide—they probably understood.

it was colder than he had expected. perhaps yuta shivered too loud because sicheng turned his head as soon as yuta closed the door behind him. sicheng was the first to smile. yuta didn’t really remember what did he say to make sicheng face grew surprised, maybe he joked too lame or his voice was funny. they engaged a conversation after that—more like yuta talking nonstop about things he couldn’t comprehend and sicheng responding with smiles and nods as usual, but it was enough.

a gust of wind hit their body then, although sicheng didn’t appear too bothered. yuta foolishly had a thought if sicheng maybe was born in the antartica and spent half of his life there as he seemed to be so immune to cold. maybe he was the sunflower in the middle of antartica, yuta corrected himself, because he’s the only one who brought warmth in the midst of those snow storms.

they talked more then, yuta convincing himself that talking will give him the heat he needed. at some point, probably yuta whined about the temperature too much or even did he say some stupid things. the next thing he knew, he already had sicheng’s finger slotted inbetween his. the brunet craned his head down to look at their joined hands, yuta only remembered how it was to be so full of emotion.

sicheng’s fingers was slightly calloused, it did feel rough on yuta’s skin. there was a scar under his wrist that yuta had just noticed; his nails are cut short and neat, the cuticles were a bit dry. when yuta ran his thumb over sicheng’s knuckles, he caught sicheng deepening his smile for a second. none of them said anything for few minutes. yuta admired the way it clicked so well and appeared so warm in his eyes, his fingers and sicheng’s. the world slowed down around them, the music wasn’t too loud for his liking anymore as he heard it sinking down just behind his back.

maybe yuta broke the silence by admitting that their fingers look good together—to the point where yuta blabbered that they might look good together too if they were together. nothing came to his memory the day after, yuta was left puzzled when sicheng lowered his head quickly the second they saw each other at lunch. did yuta confess something he shouldn’t? did he say something bad?

the sight of their fingers intertwined suffocated him. they fit each other so well. and yuta was in love.

.

 **vii.  
**yuta was in love when sicheng wasn’t there in the morning he woke up.

it was kind of new to him, to be honest. his clingy ass was so used with waking up cuddling someone after a long night of intimate sessions, those bed-warmers would stay a bit longer because yuta knew he gave the best cuddles. some promised to come back and some didn’t, not that yuta actually cared. he took what he needed to take and his pride was too strong to beg for someone. 

but on the day he woke up with no signs of sicheng on his side after the night they spent together made a tiny part of yuta’s heart hurts. the spot beside him only left the faintest heat of sicheng’s body and it wasn’t enough. yuta dove to his bed covers to relieve his aching heart.

even his most tiring one night stands and earliest waker would stick around for at least a morning greeting. sicheng didn’t.

usually they would leave a trace. a phone number or email address or their dorm locations. but yuta knew—sicheng wasn’t usual. he left with yuta’s discarded clothes folded nicely on the edge of his bed, the bed covers he used already tucked in aptly. the curtains were half open; enough to let the sun in and enough to keep yuta from waking up. he didn’t fall into any of the categories when yuta found a note written in neat cursive on his nighstand: _thank you_.

the bed was cold still, unfamiliar to yuta. but the note kept his heart fuzzy. and yuta was in love.

. 

 **viii.  
**yuta was in love when it was three in the morning and sicheng was there. 

questions went truly questionable after midnight. there was no more boisterous noises of yuta’s old neighbor who would keep on nagging her damned son to study. the world was at peace and the only sound yuta can hear was sicheng’s content breathing beside him. the ticking clock only served as a visual satisfactory, its tone long forgotten in the middle of yuta’s fingers on sicheng’s.

yuta had found a new liking on playing with sicheng’s locks when they talked. he liked the way his fingers would brush the bangs away from sicheng’s sight, or the way it pushed sicheng’s longer sideburns behind his ear. sicheng’s hair was slightly damaged, most likely from bleaching and coloring because yuta heard sicheng used to sport a blond hair in his early days. he would tilt his head up to look at yuta, and his heart would clench in adoration.

the thrown inquiries were in no orders. ranging from the lamest ones like _why do doughnuts have holes on them?_ to the rethorical ones like _what would happen if i died?_ to the dramatic ones like _what if we met earlier?._ sicheng answered it all except things about him yuta would impulsively blurts out. he opted on playing with yuta’s fingers when he didn’t want to answer, observing things in his childlike nature. yuta didn’t push him.

he asked quietly, _how does it feel to be you?_ that he then hoped sicheng wouldn’t hear. he knew he made the wrong decision on asking that, considering sicheng’s status as the school’s most loathed person (yet also the most adored). his pair of curious doe eyes looked to yuta who shut his lips in a tight line as if he just asked something so wrong (he did). sicheng blinked few times before chuckling and answered in a no less quiet voice, _just like you; but less entertaining_.

yuta didn’t ask anything anymore and sicheng didn’t feel like talking. so the brunet rolled his body to side and snuggled against yuta’s warm chest. he pulled the duvet to cover his bare thighs, hands gripping onto yuta’s waist. he asked yuta to sing him a lullaby and sing a lullaby he did. none of them knew who fall asleep first but it was always sicheng who wake up first. leaving yuta alone so early in the morning where the sun has yet to rise.

at three in the morning, the world was missing. sicheng wasn’t. and yuta was in love.

.

 **ix.  
**yuta was in love when sicheng agreed on being together. 

that escalated quicker than anyone would thought. it was the beginning of the year. yuta had jokingly asked sicheng if they would really look good together. doyoung choked when he told him this, kun who was coincidentally there to get his books only snorted and said, “even a blind person can see how whipped yuta is for sicheng.” —his whole band of friends agreed. johnny and taeyong even made a bet. 

what yuta wouldn’t expect (other than sicheng’s deep voice when he first talked to him) was sicheng’s quick response on saying _yes_. sicheng didn’t hesitate at all and he smiled proudly upon seeing yuta’s widened eyes and surprised mien. they got through the awkward phase (mostly on yuta’s side) and walked out from the cafeteria side to side. yuta incredibly feeling giddy when sicheng subtly brushed his palm as they had to depart because sicheng’s next class is physics and yuta’s got geography. it was more than anything enough.

the news spread like a fire on thatches. the whole school knew it before the day ends. school’s famous lovely soccer team captain yuta nakamoto and the charming rumors-filled ace student sicheng dong—it sounded like an unimaginable combo for some. to their close friends, however, it was obvious since day one. many questioned yuta’s decision on asking sicheng out despite his loathed background. half of them thought one of yuta’s teammate hit his head on practices a bit too hard that yuta lost his mind, the rest thought sicheng played tricks to get yuta to him.

nevertheless, neither of them said anything. yuta openly picked sicheng from his classes and sicheng straighly coming to yuta’s table with a huge smile every lunch. doyoung became more accustomed to sicheng’s presence, he no longer loathed the boy as much as he used to do and he even even efforted to talk to him. sicheng didn’t need to stay outside at parties alone again as yuta would always either tag along or drag him around the venue.

yuta got sicheng’s number on the day he almost walked sicheng home. turns out sicheng had to go to a local bookstore to get some stationeries and yuta couldn’t accompany him because of his late practice. yuta’s mom told him strictly not to come home past sunset but sicheng said it’s okay. they finally exchanged number and the first text yuta got from sicheng was _thank you_.

the talks behind his back hurted sometimes. but sicheng never let go of his hand. and yuta was in love.

.

 **x.  
**yuta was in love when sicheng cried in the darks.

sicheng liked to stay awake for hours when he crashed to yuta’s place. probably just reading his books or playing games in yuta’s phone. sometimes even just laying there, humming at new songs and staring at the ceiling. yuta would be meddling with his own loads of homeworks that’s often overdue.

on his tired days, yuta would just leave sicheng to sleep and wake up moments later—because sicheng no longer left before the sunrise. he would still be there when yuta woke up, hogging yuta’s thick blankets and body curling like a baby. the spot beside him was often filled with warmth than the opposite, the figure of sleeping sicheng with his long lashes against his high, full cheeks and slightly parted mouth was a sight to behold. he only wished this came to him earlier.

but days aren’t always rainbows and sugars. there were also days where sicheng or yuta wasn’t on their best.

yuta learnt how sicheng was used to bottle up his feelings. he kept a straight face at school and aced his classes looking effortless; walked past the rumors and disturbing whispers with his chin up. it wasn’t all of that. yuta discovered the hardships sicheng had to go through everyday and the great amount of stress he had to handle all by himself.

whereas yuta would sleep away his worry, sicheng couldn’t.

on his worst days, sicheng would just lay on yuta’s bed as if he was lifeless. he stayed quiet for hours and eventually broke down into muffled sobs—yuta would hold him and caressed his back; sicheng would cling to him and grasped his shirt.

anything sicheng blabbered didn’t make sense to yuta, he jumped from one topics to another. one time he would wail about the hurtful comments he got on a daily basis, the next second he’d suddenly sob about his cold blankets, and the another next second he’d cry about expensive house rents and crazy taxes. he didn’t had any idea that those rumors _actually_ hurt sicheng because he was always so indifferent about it. yuta barely understood the slightest, he only pressed sicheng’s head to his shoulder and let him wet his well-worn band tee.

maybe if he wrote everything down, it would made sense. sicheng’s late night blabbering would lead him somewhere on discovering sicheng’s true background. but then again, yuta got too busy wiping tears from sicheng’s wet cheeks that he didn’t care about anything else. he couldn’t bear seeing the little angel so troubled with puffy red eyes and stuttering lips. if he could kiss it better, he would. he would do anything to make sicheng feels better.

at one point, sicheng pressed his head to yuta’s chest tighter. his ear listening to yuta’s frantic heartbeat, his shoulder was still shaking from the sobs he had earlier. he kept muttering _i_ _’m sorry_ s that made no idea to yuta. instead of grasping his shirt, that time sicheng was holding yuta’s hands—kissing the cold knuckles that slowly turned wet with his tears.

when yuta asked why, sicheng quivered. “i’m sorry for dragging you down here. for the future heartbreaks, for the feeling you wouldn’t want to remember when you’re on your later life,” he whispered. “i’m sorry. you’re everything i could ask for and yet i couldn’t bring myself to make me deserve you.”

yuta shushed him with praises and reassurance. he didn’t understand why sicheng would thing he doesn’t deserve yuta when it’s often the other way around in his head. he couldn’t fall asleep even after sicheng dozed in his hold, too much things went on and his chest felt a little pang on rendering what sicheng had said.

it hurted to know sicheng still doubted himself. yet he still trusted yuta with his fragile heart. and yuta was in love.

.

 **xi.**  
yuta was in love when him and sicheng kissed. 

to begin with, yuta wasn’t the type to pay attention to someone so closely. he would remember faces but forgot the details—the big picture was more important to him compared to the small details. none would matter, he thought, no one would need to remember how many freckles does someone have or how long their lashes are.

with sicheng, though, it was different. everything was different.

yuta would shamefully admit that the first thing he saw in sicheng was his full, plump lips. he had countlessly imagined how sicheng’s lips would feel against his; on his daydream and night imaginations. his friends mocked him for being so hopeless at those times—after they got together, yuta was more prideful than ever, though.

the time where they first kissed would always stay rendered clear in yuta’s head. autumn was almost over when it reached their fourth months together. sicheng and him was holding hand as they walked down the avenue near the bookstore sicheng often went to. they talked about silly things and yuta’s almost non-existent reading list. sicheng giggled when yuta compared him to some kinds of nerd, not biting back at his words and only nodded along.

the wind was getting cold, so yuta promptly pressed his body to sicheng. the brunet snickered when yuta almost stepped on his shoe, the two looked at each other and there was this bright, gleeful grin on sicheng’s face that put a slight red tint on his full cheeks. his eyes were gleaming with sparkles that made him look like a literal angel, the lashes framing those glistening stare were beautifully long. the sun behind him acted like the halo, yuta felt his every centimetres of being melting to a puddle.

that was the time he wanted to kiss sicheng the most. he was beautiful, was angelic, and entirely _his_.  so he asked sicheng, with his lower lips bitten until it almost bled. the lanky boy blinked his eyes few times, seemingly taken aback by yuta’s shy words. but he caught his smile back and nodded slightly, taking his time to lean closer to yuta’s face with his free hand clutching on yuta’s upper arm.

people be damned. yuta stroked sicheng’s jaw and eventually nestled his fingers on the brunet’s nape. they kissed softly—lips meeting lips that was enough to make yuta’s heart race in a way he’d never want to forget. sicheng’s slightly chapped lips tasted like the milkshake he finished before entering the bookstore, the dried peels hurt yuta’s lips just a little bit and it didn’t matter. the milkshake was already faint, yuta never felt so right on kissing someone. the chaste peck was ended too quick for yuta’s liking—he lingered a bit before opening his eyes and saw sicheng’s gentler eyes. his lips was wet and smiling. yuta felt his pounding chest and returned the smile. they once again kissed, this time yuta went it first. he said, “i love you.” and sicheng responded in breathless voice, “thank you.”

they kissed a lot after that. in the locker rooms after yuta’s games. on yuta’s bed at nights. under the mistletoe when sicheng celebrated christmas with yuta and his mom. inside the shower when sicheng sang a cheesy song from the radio a bit too loud. with the sound of firecracks behind them as the year moved on.

yuta liked it. he liked how sicheng’s lips were as if made to be kissed. he also liked the way sicheng would lazily move his jaw and nip yuta’s lower one. he liked how sicheng’s hands would either rest on his neck or his upper arm. he liked the way sicheng would stare at him with dreamy eyes and slightly parted mouth, inviting him to worship this delightful human being. yuta gave in, everytime.

it was just right, having sicheng’s lips on his. sicheng’s stare at him after they kissed never fail to warm his heart. and yuta was in love.

.

 **xii.  
**yuta was in love when sicheng told him he loved him too.

for the longest yuta could remember, sicheng only said _thank you_ s when yuta admitted he loved him. sicheng was a puzzle yuta could never finish, so he didn’t ask anything. he only smiled and kissed sicheng to seal the questions in his head. that’s enough. even if sicheng didn’t have the gut to look him in the eye and tell him the three words like those people yuta’s past would, it’s enough. always enough for sicheng.

but there was a time—like his experience walking sicheng home; it happened only once. he was trailing kisses from sicheng’s neck to jaw, savoring every moans and whimpers coming from the brunet’s sinful lips. he pressed _i love you_ s as their fingers held against each other, hips snapping inbetween sicheng’s spread open legs. the room smelled so thick from where their bodies were connected; sweat and tears mixing into one particular scent that could drive yuta to insanity.

when yuta dove in to kiss sicheng—both of his eyes closed shut and jaws slack from pleasure, he heard it. the faintest pants of _i love you, i love you_ coming from sicheng’s throat. sicheng probably wasn’t even sober, he kept chanting the same words all over again. everything became too much then, yuta had to lock sicheng’s lips with his own before he really went crazy. it did things unimaginable to his heart and his weak core couldn’t take it. sicheng writhed when he came undone, the rest was history.

the next morning, sicheng woke up not remembering anything from last night. but at least yuta could rest assured. even though there was something stopping sicheng from saying it when he’s clear headed, at least he knew sicheng’s true feeling. and it was enough (as always with sicheng).

sicheng pulled the duvet closer to his chest when yuta woke up. he smiled widely with his eyes closed. and yuta was in love.

.

 **xiii.**  
yuta was in love when people keep talking about him and sicheng.

at first it was bearable because yuta spent more time at the fields than he would at the hallways. the way people would give him weird stare at the cafeteria was quickly forgotten every single time sicheng and his godly presence stepped in his vision. he was practically deaf and immune to any kinds of slurs his schoolmate would throw at him at times. except when they openly insulted sicheng in front of him, yuta would be pretty chill about it.

but as time went by, he became more irritated by day. people had the gut and would mock at the quiet sicheng even though yuta was there. said boy would only lower his head and pulled yuta so they could walk faster, ignoring the nasty comments that pierced through everyone’s heart. the short tempered yuta couldn’t hold it one day, he felt his blood boil when one of those rowdy jocks called his little angel with names that he shouldn’t be associated with. right here and there, he let go of sicheng’s grasp on his sleeves and awarded the man with his rough fist.

shortly, he was sent to the office to earn a three hour lecture with the same jock he fought with. the two looked like pissed kicked out puppies with bruises and bloods everywhere. yuta only rolled his eyes along the lecture and folded his arms in front of his chest. the jock had to stay longer because things yuta didn’t want to hear nor understand, so he only immediately left the suffocating room without a second thought.

sicheng was already there, sitting on the chair and quickly stood on his feet when he saw yuta. his eyes gleamed in a sad way when yuta patted him on the head. they had excuses to go to infirmary—sicheng did, while yuta was being lectured, so he directed yuta to come with him to the said place instead of his history class. the school nurse smiled and let them use one of the free beds. she also gave the first aid kit to sicheng who retrieved it with a bow.

yuta was flinching here and there when sicheng dabbed the alcohol-damped cotton balls on his bruises, the corner of his lip was cut and there was dried blood there. sicheng sighed as he took a new cotton ball. “you don’t need to do that,” he said quietly, not wanting to draw the nurse’s attention. yuta furrowed his brows. “they made fun of you,” he replied.

sicheng jutted his lower lip as he cleaned the bruise on yuta’s jaw. “don’t they all, on a daily basis? look at you. this will take you few days to heal,” he sounded as if he was scolding yuta—the latter chuckled. “was worth it. now they know not to play around with yuta nakamoto’s boyfriend.” and sicheng stopped tending his bruise for a while—his cheeks donned in pretty pinkish tint. he gulped down his saliva and flustered when he was about to continue mending yuta’s injury. the latter laughed out loud.

little sicheng who’s so easily impressed at heart, honestly.

“why do they do this to you? for what reason?” he asked. sicheng smiled whilst patting more alcohol to one of his purplish blue mark, earning a pained groan from yuta. “misunderstandings, mostly. ear-to-ear thing i don’t want to think about. i’ve meddled enough with it everyday; caring about what they say will only make it worse.” —again, that didn’t make any sense. this time, though, yuta had an excuse of his sore cheekbone. so he only hissed when sicheng pressed to much, letting him pass with the response he should’ve given.

sicheng put the kit beside him and tugged the hem of yuta’s messy shirt. “take off your shirt. i need to see if you have another bruises on your body,” he said flatly. yuta nodded and almost slipped his shirt of before he realized the presence of another person in the room. he was sure the nurse watched them from his seat; yuta scrunched his nose and turned back to sicheng. “close the curtain. my body is only yours to see.”

the brunet almost laughed at his childish tantrum, but he agreed nevertheless. sicheng excused themselves and closed the light blue curtain to give them some privacy. yuta’s shirt was already discarded on the bed when he returned to the boy, revealing some purplish—blue marks scattered accross his body in no apparent pattern. far from how sicheng liked purple marks on yuta’s skin. he slid back to his previous spot, in front of cross-legged yuta, examining his discolorations like a professional doctor.

he pointed out that this mark will be there for a week, that scratch will only last for four days the most, and another this-that-this-thats. sicheng was so precise that his words are proven in the right times. yuta asked where did sicheng learn all of this? the boy missed a beat and shrugged: _intuition_ , he said. yuta gave in and leaned forward to kiss sicheng despite his aching ribs. it was worth it, even for the light punch sicheng gave after that. maybe they overdid it just by the littlest privacy—sicheng ended skipping his last two classes and the nurse looked at them with meaningful stare when they stepped out. 

his pride was over the top. sicheng took care of him so gently. and yuta was in love.

.

 **xiv.  
**yuta was in love when sicheng laughed. 

for the year they’ve spent together, sicheng barely laughed. the furthest he had ever been was just a loud giggle which was quickly muffled by his sleeve. yuta came to think if sicheng disliked the way he laugh or if sicheng was just hella shy. probably not the latter because the more yuta knew him, the more he realized that sicheng can be very blunt and bold with things he truly took interests in.

yuta didn’t have the heart to ask—didn’t want to hurt sicheng’s feelings by that. he was content with the way sicheng would chuckle softly at anything funny he told him.

until on a summer day, they went to a beach and made sand castles. sicheng didn’t want to get wet at the first place because he disliked having to bundle up in yuta’s car. makes him hard to move around, he said. but he got too engrossed on building a tall castle that he didn’t see a huge wave coming through—hitting him and his castle. sicheng slipped and fell on the wave, his shirt and shorts nowhere to be dry.

when yuta panickedly reached to him, though, sicheng was laughing. he laughed with his deep voice, trying to stand on his feet again. failing miserably when the second wave came and washed his feet. yuta’s heart melt at the sight; he extended his hand as a help and laughed along with sicheng. the brunet finally able to stand, he looked at yuta and the remains of his crumbled sand castle. it didn’t take him too long to crack another laughter.

if a giggling sicheng is already heavenly, this laughing sicheng is _godly_. the corner of his eyes crinkled and his pair of eyes were reduced to crescents. his mouth was resonating an addictive laughter that played as a music to yuta’s ear, his head slightly tilted back. cheeks seemed full and his whole body shook a little. he looked like love personified and yuta was in so deep.

they didn’t remake sicheng’s sand castle because sicheng’s stomach was grumbling in hunger. yuta bought him a cheap pair of another shirt and shorts, to which sicheng happily retrieved and wore. his wet set thrown to the back seat as they drove to yuta’s favourite diner and got themselves a plate of delicious lunch. the image of sicheng laughing was there for the whole day in yuta’s head.

that was the very first time yuta had ever heard sicheng laugh so wholeheartedly. it didn’t happen so often then, but it was the prettiest when sicheng did. and yuta was in love. 

. 

 **xv.  
**yuta was in love when sicheng broke to his room crying.

a year and a half to their relationship, sicheng one day came to yuta’s house at almost midnight. tears were still wet on his cheeks and he looked awful. there was a red mark across his neck, his hair—messily dyed to a lighter blond and still damp—disheveled and clothes unruly. he threw his bag onto the corner of yuta’s room as quick as he took off his jeans jacket and pressed his body to yuta who took too long to process. his hands were suddenly all over yuta’s physique and he was still sobbing. it felt wrong when yuta noticed the tremor in sicheng’s ghosting fingers just beneath his shirt.

what was happening? everything felt like a blur. the next second he knew, yuta was already laying down on his own bed with sicheng straddling his hips. his shaky hands were trying to push yuta’s shirt away and pull his pants down to no success. he stopped midways to control his breathing which got more rushed everytime he tried to catch up. yuta’s heart ached at the sight. he held both of sicheng’s wrist, prying it away from his abdomen. 

in a very gentle care, yuta flipped their position. sicheng was laid down on the mattress—still sniffling loudly and shoulders heaving uncontrollably. he didn’t let go of his wrist, carefully pressing circles to the back of the hand. sicheng only glanced at him for a brief second, refusing to return his gaze when yuta brought his trembling hands and kissed the fingers. so he would try the other way, he thought, yuta leaned down closer to sicheng in order to gain his attention.

before yuta opened his voice, sicheng stated in his shuddering voice:

“i don’t love you,” he cried. and yuta stopped.

sicheng raised his forearm to cover his eyes, tears streaming down on his face. yuta felt as if something just hit his heart and broke it to million pieces. whatever sicheng said was crumbling him and his world to the littlest of fragments so suddently. he found a difficulty in breathing, lips slowly parted to catch up with some oxygen and try to not pass out. sicheng’s sorrowful wails didn’t help much. he struggled to spell the next sentence, “i don’t love you and i won’t miss you. i don’t love you.” 

power lost its place in yuta’s body. the slightly shorter male shifted from his position and slumped on his seat. his eyes hollowly followed sicheng’s slowly slipping arm. the situation was beyond what he could comprehend and yuta wanted to laugh. how mighty the world was to turn over a heaven to a hell for him in just several syllables. the weight on his chest suddenly doubled and he had to take a moment just to close his eyes, inhaling the air deeply. his head spinning so much. even his breath was quivering. yuta felt his head went dizzy. nothing could be registered.

“since when?” he gritted through his teeth. sicheng was looking at him, and now it was yuta himself who couldn’t bring his orbs to share a look with sicheng. his vision caught the plain ceiling of his room to be far more interesting than the particular boy on his bed.

sicheng mumbled, “i’ve never been.”

and yuta broke down.

tears were pooling on his eyes. he lowered his gaze and met sicheng’s; too many emotions were there. he was angry, hopeless, still so in love, and disappointed. sicheng was still weeping with his lower lip bitten, probably trying to stop himself from bursting there. or anything, if yuta still cared. he smiled weakly at sicheng and said, “ _get out_.” 

—it was the first time yuta had ever wanted to get rid of sicheng as fast as he could rather than wanting to keep him a company. it was also the first time sicheng didn’t have to wait until dawn to slip off yuta’s bed. the boy bit down his lower lip and glassy eyes staring at yuta. the next second, he slid off the mattress then grabbed his jacket and bag, running away from yuta’s house. the front door was locked again and the gate closed with hasty voices. by then, yuta fell to his bed with a massive hole on his heart.

the bed awfully smelled like sicheng. the warmth was still there, he could still feel sicheng even in the morning if he turned his head aside. and it suffered him—everything felt disconnected in his head and nothing he could think of.

sicheng was lying. sicheng was _lying_.  
he was asleep and having a nightmare. when he woke up, he will see sicheng just beside him with his angelic smile and fuzzy feeling on his chest. 

but yuta couldn’t even go back to sleep and wake up to the morning he wanted. he stayed restless for the rest of the day, watching his greyish ceiling with emptiness resting on his whole body.

the note with cursive handwriting on his nighstand was read as _i_ _’m sorry_ and not _thank you_ like how it used to be. it stayed there for a while before yuta crumpled, tore apart, and burnt the paper three days later. 

his heart was shattered in pieces. sicheng’s lingering presence still snug in his bed. and yuta was in love.

.

 **xvi.**  
yuta was in love when sicheng suddenly disappeared from his life.

sicheng was nowehere to be seen after that incident, and yuta was far too lifeless to care. it required johnny’s attention for him to notice that sicheng hasn’t been walking in the cafeteria during the lunchtime and doyoung to read the list and tell him sicheng hasn’t been visiting the library. ten curiously asked what’s up with them, yuta only shrugged.

the whole school was kind of surprised at the fact that yuta stopped walking around with sicheng. he no longer reacted to the rowdy jocks asking where his little pup is. his shoulders were always slumped and ate less at lunch. he played soccer with more energy than needed, as if he was trying to let go of his anger through his kicks.

some people actually pitied him and swore at sicheng. yuta was one of the brightest people around the school, his jokes never fail to lighten the mood and his presence alone could bring joy to his surrounding. people came to cheer him up on his games, girls and guys alike were flaunting on his feet trying to catch his attention. they said sicheng was surely a fool and had falsely thrown a precious man like yuta—they said sicheng didn’t deserve him, the good man he was, and they didn’t suit each other for sicheng was too out of yuta’s league.

the others laughed at him. saying that sicheng has yet again got his _victim_ and got what he wanted. they ridiculed yuta’s naivety on hoping sicheng would eventually settle in for him. yuta turned a blind eye everytime the rowdy jocks guffawed at him at the hallways. maybe yuta understood somewhere that he was indeed naive and should’ve listened what doyoung had said a year and a half ago, preventing him to fall in too deep and resulting in his cracked heart. yuta was called the _gloomiest_ throughout the year and a lot looked down on his witless choices.

days became weeks and weeks became months. people started to question where did sicheng go, he hasn’t been attending school for almost four months now without any informations. he just vanished and his traces gone, as if he never stepped a foot on this schoolground. little of them braved to ask the teachers, which only gifted with a sad smile and a soft shake of head no matter which teacher they asked. no one was close to sicheng and had his number except yuta—yuta didn’t really want to know where he was either.

just like that, sicheng was gone.

sometimes yuta would still see sicheng stepping into the cafeteria with his fluffy brown hair and soft smile. he would still feel sicheng’s grip on his upper arm. and yuta was in love.

.

 **xvii.  
**yuta was in love when he learned about sicheng’s true colors.

by the time his senior year was about to end, yuta decided to find his peace of mind and bury the hatchet. he gradually became who he was, the goofy yuta everyone loved. he never talked about sicheng anymore and hung out with his friends often. he went back to parties and kissed the pretty girls up until the morning, locking the sadness deep beneath his sanity. everything was better.

the sudden breakup was shocking to yuta that he had to pull back for few months before he finally regained his senses back. people were intrigued to see how tough yuta was after sicheng, unlike his other exes that would weep and wail for months—even years. yuta actually almost had it there, but his pride was thicker than anything for him to crumble down just because a boy.

no one should know that he still space out at some of nights and cried while remembering sicheng’s soft laughter or sicheng’s sparkly eyes; let it be a secret he’d keep until the last of his breath. let it be his own demon who keep messing with his head and not anyone else.

somewhere after his midterm exam, yuta was sat down by the history teacher who used to have sicheng in her class. he quickly refused to talk about the long-lost boy because it would only deepen his scar (reasoning he didn’t have time for it, of course). but the teacher begged, in a way he would never imagine a teacher would. his soft heart gave in and he sat until it was almost dusk.

she was sicheng’s closest teacher and she told him everything about sicheng. how all the rumors about him leeching off one person to another was totally wrong, how he was far from the sexually degrading names he was called with. yuta discovered about sicheng’s ailing mother and his abusive father. how he was struggling with keeping up with his grades and supporting his family financially because his father couldn’t. how sicheng was passing from one part time jobs to another until late at night.

yuta was stiffen when she sobbed, telling him how sicheng had a fragile heart and always needed something to hold on. he gave in too easily to anyone and people loved to take benefits from him. the first time sicheng had to break his relationship instead of waiting the other party to break it, his ex was furious and grew vengeful. she saw the scars and bruises on sicheng’s skin, she started to spread rumors about things sicheng didn’t do—and sicheng, he couldn’t do anything because he couldn’t harm his status as the honor student or he’d be called to the principal. his scholarship could’ve been erased if he did something bad. 

he had to be quiet and let people toy around with him. yuta felt his breath grew heavy.

the night he crashed to yuta’s place with a brand new hair was the day his father drunkenly strangled his wife to death and sicheng got too carried away. he grabbed a glass bottle of beer and hit his father with it, resulting the old man to bleed heavily. perhaps to death too. and that was the cue for him to leave. he packed his things and dyed his hair in hope for anyone to not recognize him quickly in the future. he was panicking while grieving, his life becoming unsure and lost.

and he then ran to yuta. maybe he was seeking some kind of comfort or help. yuta failed to notice sicheng’s huge bag and steel-like smell oozing from his fingers that night for everything was just too blurry for him. the words coming out from sicheng’s lips didn’t help a lot either, it only added the heave to yuta’s shoulder. the last tearful stare he got from sicheng meant a lot. now that he knew it all—he could no longer contain his bursting emotion, silently cried in front of the biology teacher.

she told yuta that sicheng confessed through her how he really loved yuta. he had wished for things to be better at least. and yuta was in love. 

.

 **xviii.  
**yuta was in love when he moved on from sicheng. 

he graduated from high school and went to another city to pursue his study. johnny traveled back to chicago for his college. doyoung also went to another city, ten and taeyong stayed. yuta eventually retired from soccer and only played it when he reunited with his old playmates. he was introduced to many interesting people on his journey; new people to go to parties with, new people to do projects with, and new people to call in three ams.

yuta brought home new bed companions every week. warming his bed when it felt too cold, or just keeping him awake when he needed to do his works, or just a presence to help him sort his messy minds. it always different persons for each purpose, none of them were all-arounder but yuta was okay with it. not like he minded anyway. 

at time like those, he would always got reminded by a certain brunet with bright eyes and sweet smile who was an all-arounder. the same person who washed his stress off, kept him awake when he did his homeworks, and also owned a presence that calmed yuta’s wary head. it was a shame that he was truly irreplaceable, for nothing was similar to him. none of the companions yuta brought home had the same warmth as he did—not even close. and it hurt him to know yuta would never feel the same again.

he thought he could continue everything so easily because life before sicheng existed and he lived just okay. however, now that he had tasted sicheng in his tongue and every part of his body, yuta could never go back. everything he did would always remind him of the lanky awkward boy from his high school years. sicheng really did magics to him.

on the days he tried to forget him, sicheng’s lovely laugh will came back to his ear. the longing was maddening. and yuta was in love.

. 

 **xix.  
**yuta was in love when he realized the bits sicheng left. 

the words sicheng said gradually turned into a different meaning. when yuta couldn’t get rid of him from his head, he would write down everything sicheng has said to him. for no reason, honestly. sometimes yuta’s head was just full of shits that he needed a release. sicheng was always his way, even the faintest memory could assure him the best.

yuta thought it would be weird to write things someone from the past had said to you when you already got another pretty flower laying on your side, keeping you warm and handing you love you thought you didn’t deserve anymore. but surprisingly it felt incredibly ordinary. yuta sat on his bed, scribbling every little thing he could remember from sicheng while having his girlfriend curling asleep just beside him. 

he figured some things along the way. sicheng has been leaving him tiny hints yuta subtly asked and if only he was clever enough to decipher all of it, he wouldn’t be resenting sicheng for the rest of his high school year. the talks about him being a liar seemed so real then, it all faded when yuta ran through his fingers on his handwriting of sicheng’s words.

his little “ _yuta_ _”_ that led him to discovering sicheng’s deep voice felt like yesterday. the soft tone would still ring yuta’s ear whenever someone called him. it started their long history together. maybe sicheng really did put his heart on his sleeve, blindly hoping this name would bring him a brand new ending. his heart was hurt so much that he just couldn’t took the difference between new hopes and false realities.

the way sicheng would tell yuta he looked good was the praise yuta still kept until this very day. he had always felt a “we’d look even better together,” in the air and he thought it came from himself. never did it cross his head that _maybe_ it was sicheng who lingered the words. left it unsaid for yuta to hear through his heart. his honestly easy mind had hoped for yuta to understand it for him; silently placing so much desire to be together.

yuta couldn’t leave the blabber sicheng left while he cried in his arms. the sentences that felt jumbled out as he was too busy calming sicheng down rather than understanding it himself. it all made sense after yuta wrote it down. he was mumbling apologies he couldn’t say in the daytime. admitting the strong feeling he truly felt for yuta. wishing their future together. it wasn’t all decrypted—all clear as a morning sun, transparent like a glass. sicheng wasn’t playing games when he kissed yuta on their dates and held his fingers in the dark. he was giving yuta the reassurance yuta had quietly asked even before yuta had the idea to. if only yuta wasn’t so dense, he wouldn’t spend his days questioning sicheng’s truth.

and the list went on. yuta choked back a sob when he remembered sicheng’s ways of asking how he was doing that day—he would ask what yuta had for breakfast, what time did he finish his homeworks last night, and even to the details like what songs did you play the most yesterday. he had his own way to keep up with yuta, to prove him he was always so truthful. yet yuta still doubted him at times.

the thing that scarred his heart the most was how sicheng would always say _thank you_ when yuta said he loved him. it wasn’t because he wasn’t in love too with yuta—but he was _thanking_ him for loving sicheng for who he was and not _what_ he was. yuta looked back at sicheng’s past and it clicked right through his mind the moment he reread his handwriting. he loved him back. in a way yuta didn’t register before.

by the time it’s three, the world was once again missing and sicheng was too, yuta was devastated with wet cheeks. the trails sicheng left answered his messy head and now yuta had nowhere to go to. he couldn’t get back to sicheng and pull him into a hug he had always loved to tell him all the nice things he hesitated to tell. there was no more long bony fingers that liked to play with his sleeves to catch his attention, the full cheeks that greeted him with sheepish chuckle. yuta let it slip through his grip and he didn’t know what to do.

maybe, just _maybe_ , he could hope that sicheng was lying only on his last words. the _i don_ _’t love you_ s meant as a wish that yuta shouldn’t fall in love with someone like him, that loving him was a mistake and yuta shouldn’t fall for he wanted yuta to be happier. the _i won_ _’t miss you_ would translate as sicheng’s wish for yuta to not miss him when he’s gone or that he would miss yuta from miles away. and lastly—if only the _i_ _’ve never been_ would also mean _always_.

yuta stared at the ceiling of his room. there was no one to make sure of it. nothing to make him trust his own hazy, shaky translations of what he and sicheng had throughout the years. he only begged to anyone listening out there for it to be true. hoping to his dearest heart that the little note sicheng left on the day he last seen yuta would mean anything. then at least, at least he won’t live in such misery.

sicheng had a lot of mysterious things. his sentences always meant more than a thing but he had always been sincere. and yuta was in love. 

.

 **xx.  
**yuta was in love when he got married, not to sicheng, years later.

he wore his best suit and his bride was prettier than she has ever been. doyoung, johnny, taeil, ten, taeyong, and his other close friends sat in the front with honest happiness in their eyes. his mother smiled at him teary eyed, doyoung was beside her. he himself couldn’t believe he got here at last—graduated from the hellish college, found himself love, and was about to start a brand new life with the beautiful woman he has chosen. his ordinary life led him to a very ordinary future, yet so enciting things to discover. 

this morning johnny asked him about a seat left empty just beside his mother. no one was allowed to occupy nor anyone would want to occupy the special spot. he only looked johnny in the eyes and smiled—the taller guy held his breath and narrowed his eyes, asking, “still?” yuta laughed dryly at johnny’s funny tone and patted him on the shoulder before getting to the car. “never changed,” he answered. he accepted that he has forgiven sicheng for the apologies he didn’t have the time to say.

maybe he was being unfair.  
to his soon-to-be wife. to his future. to himself.

but without the man who should’ve filled the empty spot, yuta wouldn’t come this far. he wouldn’t learn to appreciate the smallest things other people gifted him. he wouldn’t learn to be more aware of the small details and traces his loved ones would leave for him. he wouldn’t learn to make himself deserve the love the lanky man taught him. the little high school love story that turned his life so much just in a span of less than two years.

it probably would take yuta years to finally get rid of the memory of an ace student who drank fruit punch in the middle of alcoholic party, not like yuta would want to try anyway, but he was thankful. he didn’t have the chance to say it all back to him, so he only hoped his words would reach him in any way. throughout the years, his feelings wouldn’t fade at ease. he would always treasure the short memory he spent with a certain lanky brunet with the sparkliest eyes and loveliest laugh with his signature deep voice.

when he was told to kiss the bride, yuta smiled and leaned in. he glanced the empty seat once again for the last time, a small of his heart had hoped it was filled by the person he wanted to see the most—but he quickly dismissed the idea as both of his closed and his lips pecked a pair of moist thin lips. he almost wished for a slightly chapped and thick ones, his head laughed quietly.

yuta liked to think that sicheng never left. he pictured sicheng smiling and clapping his hands proudly there. and yuta was in love.


End file.
